I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
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Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
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We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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