Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
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