in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
