I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
