see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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