Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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