I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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