We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Randomize
