She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
