You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
