My liver just broke up with me...
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
