I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
