I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
