I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I will pee on everything he values.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Randomize
