Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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