he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
