I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I take back everything I said about communal showers
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
