I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
