its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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