my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
you had me at cake vodka
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
