White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
