I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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