put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
my nose is crying tears of wow.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
