It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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