If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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