Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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