the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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