Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
