my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
