I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
