u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Randomize
