Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
