Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
