A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
