oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
