Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
