Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
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