yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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