I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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