You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
You don't make any sense
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