i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
