There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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