Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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