So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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