Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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