you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize
