so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
