I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
