Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
