I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
PANTIES FOUND
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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