Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
She's the barista slut.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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