She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
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Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Of course I have a pirate flag
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I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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