I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
