Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
