Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Randomize
