apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
