i love accidental penises.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
