we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Randomize
