sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
